FOR SALE: My voter registration card

This is to inform the general public, especially our distinguished politicians, of my interest to sell my voter registration card. Please don’t blame me for this self decision, and I beg your indulgence not to see me as being unpatriotic. I am just trying to hold on to what has been stolen from me more than ten years ago, and thank God for His mercies, I am privileged again to have in my possession the ticket to my freedom.

Right now I can afford to pose, shakara and do yanga to our politicians, and believe me I go do shakara no be small, unless anyone among them is ready to offer me my asking price, which I have decided to let go to the highest bidder. And for your information, I am not willing to let go my powerful card for a plate of porridge, moi-moi, ankara, bag of rice, key soap or some cheap promises. In fact, the buyer must be ready to enter into a written agreement with my lawyer and swear to Allah, God , ogun , orisha, osenobua,oghene, eledumare, sango, Chineke or whatsoever he or she believes in. And must come along with the oldest man or woman in their village to stand as surety and authenticate his claim of indigene-ship.

I leant some desperate politician are struggling to buy voter registration cards across the country and I believe this is the best time to present my expensive one for sale. So please tell anyone of them who might be interested that I have the grade (A) type, certified by the famous DDC machine, with all my ten fingers sticking out boldly and my curious face staring inquisitively at election 2011.

Please find below the criteria that qualifies a potential buyer for the various positions that I might cast my vote for:

Councillor: I am willing and ready to sell my card to that candidate who wants to be a councillor only if he or she is willing and ready to declare his assets, tell us the number of wives he has and write down the number plate of his old motorcycle we all know him with. And must promise not to buy a flashy car, build a mini mansion and marry more wives throughout his tenure. He or she must be ready to bring development to our area, and ensure that our rural farmers have good roads to bring their goods to the markets, electricity and tap water must flow yanfu-yanfu and the kids must be in school. He or she must be ready to fight to eradicate any almajiri on our street and make provision for the elderly, as they are without doubt the politicians closest to the people. And must be ready to spend the number of years he or she spent in the office in jail if found wanting, and should be ready to confront all the elderly men and women in the villages for their baptism of curses.

Chairmanship: This is a big position in Nigeria today with a lot of chop-chop and a simple avenue of siphoning money. Therefore, the prize is different and more expensive than the councillorship. So the candidate here must be ready to declare his entire asset at home and abroad. He or she must write an undertaking in the high court and promise never to add more wives, mistress or concubine to his list. He must declare to the whole world his policies to develop the local government in the shortest possible term of one term in office and must be ready to go to jail if found guilty of corruption and other egunje matter. Importantly the candidate must be ready to initiate other avenue of internally generated income, and close his or her longer throat from the famous annual oil windfall and other government subvention and bailouts.

This potential chairman must sign an agreement with all the villages under the council to provide them with standard hospitals and create employment for the teeming youth irrespective of tribe, gender or religion. He must swell and sign an undertaking with all the district heads not to bribe the youths with cheap achaba machines, which send them to their early graves or use them as political thugs. He must be ready to spend times two of his years in office in jail, if found wanting and surrender to the curses from the elders at the end of the day.

State and national assembly: This is an expensive position and most members are those with the latest jeeps in town and have some tight security around them, not forgetting the numerous egunje and the over inflated yearly constitutional fees for ghost projects and the various jumbo travelling allowances across the world. I won’t let go my card easily here, so the candidates must be ready to drop well. Part of his undertaking will include a self written letter with his hands to prove to us that he or she can actually write and speak good English at all the sittings and contribute meaningfully to debates and the making of laws. He or she must swear never to buy a jumbo jeep or be part of inflating the cost of goods and services at the chambers, nor suddenly become a contractor.  He or she must undertake never to sleep shamelessly in chambers when debates are going on or ever absent himself unnecessary from his important seat for close to three months or suddenly go AWOL (Absent without leave).They must never build any gigantic mansion nor seduce our young girls freely with money and other flashy vanities. And finally must be willing to move and mingle freely with people of their constituency and ready to face their curses and spend some number of long years in jail, if found to have failed.

Governorship: Ha! This is the jackpot and I hope to make my mega buck at this stage, if I am lucky, and I have long promised myself not to let go cheaply here. I am sure everyone knows what it means to be a governor in this country. Apart from the loud intimidating siren, the long convoy of different shapes and sizes of cars and the many chop-chop and big power that goes with it. A governor is like a mini Presido in this part of the world and my asking prize should not surprise anyone; after all, it can never be compared to what the potential candidate stands to gain at the end of the day.

 So the candidate should be ready not only to declare all his assets, including wives and children,  but also must be willing to go live on national television and radio stations to announce to the world his progarmme for just a term in office and very importantly swear not to tolerate the disgraceful and obsolete indigene /settler syndrome, and must ensure that all projects for development and enjoyment are shared among all the corners of the state. Again, the candidate must be ready to tune down the volume of the popular loud siren and trim down the number of escorts and have gut to mingle freely with the talakawas and sincerely share in their pains, sorrows and needs.

 I am only going to sell my vote to that gubernatorial candidate who can show us his or her achievement practically and exhibit the mind of a visionary, creative, bold and carries charisma like a second skin. That candidate who would ensure the lives and property of everybody irrespective of the name of your village, the language you speak or your religion and class are truly protected.  I am searching for that man or woman who has the fear of God in mind and subscribes to the freedom of speech and accepts criticism with a grin.   I am only selling my vote for that candidate who is willing to remove immunity from neck and has gut to accept his or her responsibility. And finally he or she must be ready to face all the old men and women in the state for baptism of curses and must carry a big FAILED tag on his or her neck for year and also ready to spend some stretched years in prison, with a final transfer to Kirikiri.

President: The Presido!  The highest position and the biggest jackpot in the country, the prize of my vote in this category is on the high side. In short a candidate must declare himself and all his assets to all Nigerians and the whole world to see with koro-koro eyes and undertake to dress in all our costumes, ensure that all dishes in Aso-rock kitchen are made in Nigeria and from all the regions and also spend each month in all states, especially in the rural areas, to see first hand how the people are enjoying the dividend of democracy. He must ensure there is prize control of goods and services across the country and write an undertaking to make sure the country produce its first moto, computer, bicycle, airplanes and cheap things like matches, toothpicks and toys. I am willing to let go my precious card to that presidential candidate who has charisma on his forehead and represent all irrespective of region, states, tribe or religion. That man who has a big heart and bold in his decisions. The man with the fear of God and strive to leave a big legacy for all to marvel at and try to emulate. He must be ready to face all Nigerians at the end of the day and prepare to enjoy some plenty years in jail, taking turn to spend some term in all the prisons across the country, if he fails, and also willing to forgo all the jumbo presidential pension benefits and pamper.

These are just part of the requirement for a presidential candidate, with more to follow as we move along. Please you are free to seek for more information and clarification, and note that only those who met this requirement will be contacted.

NEW  NIGERIAN  ON  SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 13,  2011